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DATELINE: OCTOBER 18, 2005
USA - OHIO:www.physics.Ohio-State.edu/
Subject: New Element
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to scientists - including molecular biologists, kinesiologists, and especially developmental-morphing-anthropologists (who claim their ancestors truly did evolve from a form of single-amoebic slime that became gorillas). The new element has been named "Governmentium".
Periodic Table Of ElementsGovernmentium (312Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, unlike Al Gore's infamous hole in the Earth's upper atmosphere, Governmentium CAN be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. There is a unique anomaly within the table of elements, where some strains of Governmentium will actually completely replenish to full strength at the end of a 4-year half-life cycle, but that has only been found to occur once, then the aforementioned reorganization of neutrons within the moron-force occurs.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. When the moron-force balance pushes Governmentium to become Administratium, the loss of particulate peons induces the putrid-green-like appearance of the element Cryptonite, giving the new substance an emitted-coloration that is much like phosphorescent nuclear mater, seen only under blacklight conditions, and by CIA operatives (hence Administratium is restricted only to use within certain corridors where Governmentium doesn't function).
In a recent attempt to win a Nobel Prize for science, several Rhodes Scholar-researchers in The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland eventually rejected the idea of attempting to meld several similar-looking elements of Governmentium into one cohesive larger mass. But just across the pond in 2004, other researchers in Germany and France's laboratories decided to try the amalgam with 10 main bodies as a core and a total of 25 independent states all together so far, that included the United Kingdom researchers, and their new strain is an even heavier and functionless element called EUrinatium. The EU-conomy has been sagging ever since the Petri-dish mixture began, and funding for further research into this amalgamation technique has been lacking, so a debaucherous "people's rock concert" is in the planning, to raise funds for further research at The University Of Amsterdam's, Advancement Of Social Sciences Fair. The concert, being planned in Brussels (?), is being billed EUrinaid For The World, with Kofi Anan and Bill "I-never-inhaled" Clinton as joint-MCs, with many contemporary popular and rock bands participating, including, Elton John, Sting, and Def Leppard performing their ever popular Hysteria Lyrics.
The amount of work (formula= force applied at a radius per hour) accomplished by Governmentium stays fairly constant to a factor of minus-ten (-10), or w=(f X r / hr)-10 [especially on Mondays, with Fridays following by a very close second]. Work exponentially reduces for every other assistant deputy neutron held within the moron force in their varied elliptical orbits.
Many scientists had hypothesized that the addition of the element PACuum to the equation might increase work, but in fact it was discovered that the seed monies that had been swirling around within the coffers of those who discovered PACuum particles was eventually completely drained because the two never became a solution. Their complete lack of covalent bonds, in truth, held Governmentium and PACuum in hyper colloidal suspension, where Governmentium maintained it's primordial identity and the PACuum eventually dissipated completely or became absorbed into the structure of Administratium so much that they became indistinguishable.
In outlying areas beyond Albany, New York (where Clintonite-H is utilized in conjunction with Governmentium) and Boston, Massachusetts (where Kennedium-T totally dominates the Governmentium-landscape), some fear that Governmentium may have the same toxic reactions as simple Mercury (80Hg), poisoning all who come in contact with it, leaving decades of genetic scarring within hereditary masses. The only known cure is a reversion technique where the element Constitutionite (1776Va) is reestablished and held as the base element, and no dilution is allowed, especially with any form of the element Taxumum.
©2005 PERMISSION TO REPRINT WITHOUT ALL REFERENCES TO ORIGINATION IS NOT GRANTED WITHOUT ATTENDING PHYSICIAN'S RECOMMENDATION, ON THE GROUNDS THAT CERTAIN ELEMENTS MAY BE AT RISK DURING THE COPY PROCESS, AND UTTER CHAOS WITHIN THE LITIGIOUS COMMUNITY MIGHT ENSUE
"God not only plays dice,
He also sometimes throws the dice
where they cannot be seen."
STEPHEN HAWKING, 1975
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